I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
