found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
