i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Randomize
