Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
