drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
