guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well I just put wine in my tea
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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