Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
