Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
