I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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