I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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