I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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