i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
