I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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