I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
