Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
don't judge my taste in strippers
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
