he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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