soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
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This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
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So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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