Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
