i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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