There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
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