it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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