so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
