mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
