My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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