I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
