I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's just like the Real World with babies
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
