We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
