Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
