i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
