I accidentally burped into my bong.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
