If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
