kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
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