There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
