Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
