so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
