I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
