If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
