Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
