just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
