he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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