Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
