Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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