so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
