did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
