I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
