Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
