god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize