she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
