I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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