I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
