You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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