i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
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just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.