if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
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I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
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I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!