I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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