my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
