she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
